This is a phrase that demands attention. Right after someone asks you this, bad news inevitably follows. There is the rare occasion where good news could follow but that would be rare indeed.
Ignoring this phrase is deadly, especially if you are not in fact sitting down. Getting the bad news while standing is perhaps one of the dumbest things to do. Somehow, the news has a massive affect on your body when you do so. Your heart starts racing, the lightheaded feeling starts, the shaking starts and your stomach begins to churn. Suddenly, standing is no longer an option. Your legs won't hold you and you begin to think that maybe there will be more air if you're closer to the floor. Sort of like leaving a mountain top and heading to sea level. Of course, you're rather lucky that thoughts are coming to you at all - you've just been blindsided by the voice on the other end of the phone. Thoughts have ceased. You could stare at that spot on the wall all day. There aren't even thoughts on the subject at hand, a problem when there is still someone trying to talk to you. It's like everything froze or turned black and making conversation becomes the biggest task you have ever undertaken in your whole life.
Perhaps all of this is true when receiving the news in person but I have yet to have that experience.
I got a phone call from my mom yesterday afternoon, right as I was finishing work. We made small talk for a bit and then she told me - the phone call we've been subconsciously dreading for three years finally came.
Kevin is being deployed to Iraq this fall.
And that's all we know. I don't know the exact date, I don't know how long he'll be gone, I don't know what his duties will be. I know nothing.
I hate knowing nothing.
Once again, I know all of the right answers. I'm not that stupid. I know that this could turn out for good, this could be the thing that turns him around and God knows what he's doing. This didn't happen outside of his will.
None of that makes this any easier. I suppose it should. It doesn't. It's not stopping the fear of getting the other phone call. That last phone call. The one that will cave the world in on top of you. There's nothing stopping that from being in God's will. We just don't know.
I suppose that makes me look like some sort of depressed cynic without a hope in the world. I'm not. I've had a good day today and laughed a lot already. I'm ok. I just found out yesterday. It's still new. It's still terrifying. It can still make me feel sick.
I will never again ignore that phrase.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Tattered and Torn
...it's not really so bad as all that but it's still a good title.
Today makes for the official 2 week mark since I left South Carolina and Nate - it seems so much longer. I was kind of thinking about it and remembering things that have happened here when both of us were in the office at the same time and I made a slight discovery.
My heart feels scratched and bruised. It's been one of the greatest years of my life to date but it's been so hard in this area. I now have memories attached to all of the places that I frequent and while that's mostly a good thing, it has downsides as well. Walking around a corner, coming into the office, cooking dinner or making a dessert, going out to eat, being on this campus...... the memories are endless. And attached to each one of those memories are other memories of the leaving or the staying behind. The good and the bad come to mind nearly simultaneously some days.
Funny things, memories.
I don't really think I would trade out the experiences of the year but..... I've come to wish that I didn't feel like a stretched rubber band.
Today makes for the official 2 week mark since I left South Carolina and Nate - it seems so much longer. I was kind of thinking about it and remembering things that have happened here when both of us were in the office at the same time and I made a slight discovery.
My heart feels scratched and bruised. It's been one of the greatest years of my life to date but it's been so hard in this area. I now have memories attached to all of the places that I frequent and while that's mostly a good thing, it has downsides as well. Walking around a corner, coming into the office, cooking dinner or making a dessert, going out to eat, being on this campus...... the memories are endless. And attached to each one of those memories are other memories of the leaving or the staying behind. The good and the bad come to mind nearly simultaneously some days.
Funny things, memories.
I don't really think I would trade out the experiences of the year but..... I've come to wish that I didn't feel like a stretched rubber band.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
A week that didn't
After coming off of a week that positively flew by, it's disconcerting to have one that drags. As I type, the clock reads 3:05. I will be remaining in this office until it reads 5:00. Fortunately, if I'm paying attention, I can walk out of here the second those numbers appear. Unfortunately, there are still two hours in between that number and the one showing now.
ugh
The passage of time has always been odd to me and this is just another one of those times. I can't understand it. I have work that I could do and that I should do. I have projects at home to occupy my time. What makes this go so slowly? I most certainly wish I knew. I wonder if it's something subconscious, perhaps something that I want to be doing instead of sitting here but I'm not aware of it. That could be it. I've managed to stop thinking so heavily about the coming months and the changes they could be bringing but maybe there's still a part of me that yearns for the changes. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was it.
So here I sit - feeling that there are more words to write, more things to do and wishing that I didn't have the munchies. The clock only reads 3:14.
ugh
The passage of time has always been odd to me and this is just another one of those times. I can't understand it. I have work that I could do and that I should do. I have projects at home to occupy my time. What makes this go so slowly? I most certainly wish I knew. I wonder if it's something subconscious, perhaps something that I want to be doing instead of sitting here but I'm not aware of it. That could be it. I've managed to stop thinking so heavily about the coming months and the changes they could be bringing but maybe there's still a part of me that yearns for the changes. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was it.
So here I sit - feeling that there are more words to write, more things to do and wishing that I didn't have the munchies. The clock only reads 3:14.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Notes on the Ties that Bind
Our year here is coming to a close - how very strange. After having finished college and remembering the swiftness of those years, I was expecting this time to speed by as well.
Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't.
So many things happened here. So many good things and so many bad things, all of them relational. Leaving these people will be sad. Leaving some of the memories will be good.
How can people have such a strong effect on you? How can a call from home make or break your day? How can one person disrupt the lives of so many? I know the basic answer of course - we are relational people, designed for interaction and feeling. But that really doesn't tell me how.
Nearly every person in this office has had trouble with family this year. One plows through problem after problem - a father with cancer, a brother causing discord at home, siblings getting lost in the shuffle and finally, a divorce. Another friend constantly deals with an overly worried mother, one finds her parents suddenly having extreme financial problems, and yet another gets a call that her aunt is dying of cancer. Sickness and pain have strained every bond that we hold outside of this office. Me? I still have a nephew at home and a brother that doesn't know how to handle his life. Each and every one of us has called home only to hang up depressed.
The office hasn't exactly been a safe haven though. With one co-worker and a supervisor leaving suddenly, several months found us bating our breath and waiting for the next blow to come. I found myself relieved every time we left a meeting with the rest of the staff still intact. My nightly phone calls were spent trying to keep me together more than anything else. Most of the girls have been plagued by bad dreams and to-do lists that extend out the door.
Yet somehow, amidst the anger and fear, we've grown close. Somehow, it didn't drive us apart. Our families may be hanging on by threads some days but this place is still good. My own future is perhaps simultaneously more certain and more uncertain than it has ever been. I have no idea where I will be this fall - options yes, good ideas no.
I think these ties will remain. Through it all, we've had long talks, lots of chocolate, nights out and nights in, tasty drinks and dinners. No one was allowed to hide away and keep pain inside. Almost no one anyway. For all of the points that were taken off of the board this year, I think we will still come away with a positive number. I know I will. I've dealt with more this year than any other. I've lived away from home and away from a dorm. I've worked a job that I don't particularly like.
Best though? I have my Nathanael. That alone is more than enough for me.
I still haven't figured out how people can affect each other to the extent that they do, but I do know that I wouldn't have it any other way. Even if one person takes you down, a friend can bring you back up that same day. Just the way it should be.
Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't.
So many things happened here. So many good things and so many bad things, all of them relational. Leaving these people will be sad. Leaving some of the memories will be good.
How can people have such a strong effect on you? How can a call from home make or break your day? How can one person disrupt the lives of so many? I know the basic answer of course - we are relational people, designed for interaction and feeling. But that really doesn't tell me how.
Nearly every person in this office has had trouble with family this year. One plows through problem after problem - a father with cancer, a brother causing discord at home, siblings getting lost in the shuffle and finally, a divorce. Another friend constantly deals with an overly worried mother, one finds her parents suddenly having extreme financial problems, and yet another gets a call that her aunt is dying of cancer. Sickness and pain have strained every bond that we hold outside of this office. Me? I still have a nephew at home and a brother that doesn't know how to handle his life. Each and every one of us has called home only to hang up depressed.
The office hasn't exactly been a safe haven though. With one co-worker and a supervisor leaving suddenly, several months found us bating our breath and waiting for the next blow to come. I found myself relieved every time we left a meeting with the rest of the staff still intact. My nightly phone calls were spent trying to keep me together more than anything else. Most of the girls have been plagued by bad dreams and to-do lists that extend out the door.
Yet somehow, amidst the anger and fear, we've grown close. Somehow, it didn't drive us apart. Our families may be hanging on by threads some days but this place is still good. My own future is perhaps simultaneously more certain and more uncertain than it has ever been. I have no idea where I will be this fall - options yes, good ideas no.
I think these ties will remain. Through it all, we've had long talks, lots of chocolate, nights out and nights in, tasty drinks and dinners. No one was allowed to hide away and keep pain inside. Almost no one anyway. For all of the points that were taken off of the board this year, I think we will still come away with a positive number. I know I will. I've dealt with more this year than any other. I've lived away from home and away from a dorm. I've worked a job that I don't particularly like.
Best though? I have my Nathanael. That alone is more than enough for me.
I still haven't figured out how people can affect each other to the extent that they do, but I do know that I wouldn't have it any other way. Even if one person takes you down, a friend can bring you back up that same day. Just the way it should be.
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