Quiet Reflections from a Troubled Soul

This particular evening was quite beautiful - a slowly setting sun cast noticeably golden rays that darkened to a burnt orange, the light blue sky was sprinkled with a select few clouds, and a light wind made me happy to be wearing a jacket. To make it all the better, my Nathanael was with me. My fiance, the man who loves me, the man I love, the man I will soon be able to call "husband." I've never yet been so happy to have him near me.

The past month can be appropriately labeled as "insane." I have become engaged, moved several times, accepted a job as Production Manager, started planning a wedding and am now running this festival. I was holding together and accomplishing much. I was generally enjoying it as well. What was there that was not to love? I was (and still am) to be married and I would be (and still am) receiving a significantly higher paycheck than I had expected. Then we came to this weekend.

The past 48 hours can be appropriately labeled as "horrible."

I never realized how many things can accumulate on one pair of shoulders. My crew is incredible this year and any of them will take on a task to keep it from becoming my problem. The shoulder space for me to lean upon is vast and sturdy, yet I find myself constantly thinking, planning and waiting for the next project or disaster. I never realized how tiring thinking could be. I am exhausted. I am constantly tense. I am afraid it will start to spill over onto those shoulders that I rely so much on. I am terrified of wetting those shoulders with the tears that come from my eyes. Who knew so many tears could be lurking behind two small eyes?

Psalm 30:5 - ".....weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." How long will my night be? I ask for peace and calmness often - how do I make my heart feel them?

This night is calm. The work load for me is light and most of the crew has gone to bed. Only a few remain awake, several of them here singing hymns as I type. I will probably be in bed soon unless my wonderful fiance keeps me up. (Not at all a bad thing since our time together has been cruelly limited these days.)

Still, I find my heart racing as I sit, my thoughts ready to swirl without me letting them, my mother just a phone call away, and the weekend looming ahead of me. The calm only lasts for so long.

The Morning Unlike Any Other

It didn't start out that way - it was quite ordinary really. The guys were up in the attic bashing about and continuing in the deconstruction of our house. I argued with the alarm a few times and then decided to get up and head to the gym one last time. Nothing new. There were a couple of new faces in the gym but I figured that was about as exciting as it was going to get. I walked out of that door an hour later and headed home.

That's when things got interesting.

I was just walking along, listening to one of my fun songs, minding my own business, and carrying a shoe in each hand. I hate carrying them both in one hand. It just isn't comfortable. Anyway, I get most of the way back when I suddenly hear running behind me. My first thought is that it's some ambitious runner uncomfortable with the lab-rat feel of a work-out room. Can't really say that I blame them. But then there is a flurry of activity about me and my thoughts start racing.....

Move out of the way before you get hit
They slowed down - weird
Someone's touching me
I'm being mugged!!!!!
What do I do????
Arms are around me!!
Augh!!
Wait......
Steph??
Why is she attacking me?
Weirdo
Wait.............
I know that shirt
I know that foot!!!!!!!
"No way........ No way, no way, no way!!!!"

My Nathanael was holding me. A whole day early. So much earlier than I had ever suspected. He was there. With me. Holding me.

Wisdom from a chocolate wrapper

I just got back to the office after a week long vacation and I found a lovely present from my co-workers ...... they tinfoiled my entire desk and everything on it. I mean everything. Each little pen in the cup, my teddy bear, all of the papers, even the returned mail that I have to deal with. Everything! It took me a half hour to unwrap everything and straighten the place up.

They did leave me a nice present though. I had a little Dove chocolate sitting in my chair, just waiting to be unwrapped and eaten. Raspberry filled too!! And since it was a Dove chocolate, it was not only delicious, it had something to say ........

"Every connection has the potential to change your life."

Smart little wrapper that one.

But then I thought about it. Is that really true? Does my life really change with each person that I meet, each situation that I find myself in or put myself into? I'm not entirely convinced that's true. In fact, I'm much more convinced that it is in fact untrue.

My God is sovereign. He knows what he's doing and he's got me going somewhere. It's not a mystery to him, just to me. If each of my connections had that much power over me and my life, that seems to say that God does not. Now how does that work out? It doesn't really which leaves me with this thought .........

"Every connection has the potential to change the path that you think your life is taking."

They don't actually change your life, they just change your perception of your life. I never in my whole life thought that my future would be looking the way that it does. It never once crossed my mind. But how could it? I put my plans into place based on what I had at my fingertips at the time. How was I to know that Nathanael was out there? How was I to know that MasterWorks existed? How was I to know that our paths would cross there when I had never even heard of Winona Lake?

But it all happened. And the only people that it surprised were the two of us. God knew. He watched it happen. He made it happen. He put the connections there. And he'll keep putting them there.

I think Dove got it wrong.

"Are you sitting down?"

This is a phrase that demands attention. Right after someone asks you this, bad news inevitably follows. There is the rare occasion where good news could follow but that would be rare indeed.

Ignoring this phrase is deadly, especially if you are not in fact sitting down. Getting the bad news while standing is perhaps one of the dumbest things to do. Somehow, the news has a massive affect on your body when you do so. Your heart starts racing, the lightheaded feeling starts, the shaking starts and your stomach begins to churn. Suddenly, standing is no longer an option. Your legs won't hold you and you begin to think that maybe there will be more air if you're closer to the floor. Sort of like leaving a mountain top and heading to sea level. Of course, you're rather lucky that thoughts are coming to you at all - you've just been blindsided by the voice on the other end of the phone. Thoughts have ceased. You could stare at that spot on the wall all day. There aren't even thoughts on the subject at hand, a problem when there is still someone trying to talk to you. It's like everything froze or turned black and making conversation becomes the biggest task you have ever undertaken in your whole life.

Perhaps all of this is true when receiving the news in person but I have yet to have that experience.

I got a phone call from my mom yesterday afternoon, right as I was finishing work. We made small talk for a bit and then she told me - the phone call we've been subconsciously dreading for three years finally came.

Kevin is being deployed to Iraq this fall.

And that's all we know. I don't know the exact date, I don't know how long he'll be gone, I don't know what his duties will be. I know nothing.

I hate knowing nothing.

Once again, I know all of the right answers. I'm not that stupid. I know that this could turn out for good, this could be the thing that turns him around and God knows what he's doing. This didn't happen outside of his will.

None of that makes this any easier. I suppose it should. It doesn't. It's not stopping the fear of getting the other phone call. That last phone call. The one that will cave the world in on top of you. There's nothing stopping that from being in God's will. We just don't know.

I suppose that makes me look like some sort of depressed cynic without a hope in the world. I'm not. I've had a good day today and laughed a lot already. I'm ok. I just found out yesterday. It's still new. It's still terrifying. It can still make me feel sick.

I will never again ignore that phrase.

Tattered and Torn

...it's not really so bad as all that but it's still a good title.

Today makes for the official 2 week mark since I left South Carolina and Nate - it seems so much longer. I was kind of thinking about it and remembering things that have happened here when both of us were in the office at the same time and I made a slight discovery.

My heart feels scratched and bruised. It's been one of the greatest years of my life to date but it's been so hard in this area. I now have memories attached to all of the places that I frequent and while that's mostly a good thing, it has downsides as well. Walking around a corner, coming into the office, cooking dinner or making a dessert, going out to eat, being on this campus...... the memories are endless. And attached to each one of those memories are other memories of the leaving or the staying behind. The good and the bad come to mind nearly simultaneously some days.

Funny things, memories.

I don't really think I would trade out the experiences of the year but..... I've come to wish that I didn't feel like a stretched rubber band.

A week that didn't

After coming off of a week that positively flew by, it's disconcerting to have one that drags. As I type, the clock reads 3:05. I will be remaining in this office until it reads 5:00. Fortunately, if I'm paying attention, I can walk out of here the second those numbers appear. Unfortunately, there are still two hours in between that number and the one showing now.

ugh

The passage of time has always been odd to me and this is just another one of those times. I can't understand it. I have work that I could do and that I should do. I have projects at home to occupy my time. What makes this go so slowly? I most certainly wish I knew. I wonder if it's something subconscious, perhaps something that I want to be doing instead of sitting here but I'm not aware of it. That could be it. I've managed to stop thinking so heavily about the coming months and the changes they could be bringing but maybe there's still a part of me that yearns for the changes. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was it.

So here I sit - feeling that there are more words to write, more things to do and wishing that I didn't have the munchies. The clock only reads 3:14.

Notes on the Ties that Bind

Our year here is coming to a close - how very strange. After having finished college and remembering the swiftness of those years, I was expecting this time to speed by as well.

Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't.

So many things happened here. So many good things and so many bad things, all of them relational. Leaving these people will be sad. Leaving some of the memories will be good.

How can people have such a strong effect on you? How can a call from home make or break your day? How can one person disrupt the lives of so many? I know the basic answer of course - we are relational people, designed for interaction and feeling. But that really doesn't tell me how.

Nearly every person in this office has had trouble with family this year. One plows through problem after problem - a father with cancer, a brother causing discord at home, siblings getting lost in the shuffle and finally, a divorce. Another friend constantly deals with an overly worried mother, one finds her parents suddenly having extreme financial problems, and yet another gets a call that her aunt is dying of cancer. Sickness and pain have strained every bond that we hold outside of this office. Me? I still have a nephew at home and a brother that doesn't know how to handle his life. Each and every one of us has called home only to hang up depressed.

The office hasn't exactly been a safe haven though. With one co-worker and a supervisor leaving suddenly, several months found us bating our breath and waiting for the next blow to come. I found myself relieved every time we left a meeting with the rest of the staff still intact. My nightly phone calls were spent trying to keep me together more than anything else. Most of the girls have been plagued by bad dreams and to-do lists that extend out the door.

Yet somehow, amidst the anger and fear, we've grown close. Somehow, it didn't drive us apart. Our families may be hanging on by threads some days but this place is still good. My own future is perhaps simultaneously more certain and more uncertain than it has ever been. I have no idea where I will be this fall - options yes, good ideas no.

I think these ties will remain. Through it all, we've had long talks, lots of chocolate, nights out and nights in, tasty drinks and dinners. No one was allowed to hide away and keep pain inside. Almost no one anyway. For all of the points that were taken off of the board this year, I think we will still come away with a positive number. I know I will. I've dealt with more this year than any other. I've lived away from home and away from a dorm. I've worked a job that I don't particularly like.

Best though? I have my Nathanael. That alone is more than enough for me.

I still haven't figured out how people can affect each other to the extent that they do, but I do know that I wouldn't have it any other way. Even if one person takes you down, a friend can bring you back up that same day. Just the way it should be.