Quiet Reflections from a Troubled Soul

This particular evening was quite beautiful - a slowly setting sun cast noticeably golden rays that darkened to a burnt orange, the light blue sky was sprinkled with a select few clouds, and a light wind made me happy to be wearing a jacket. To make it all the better, my Nathanael was with me. My fiance, the man who loves me, the man I love, the man I will soon be able to call "husband." I've never yet been so happy to have him near me.

The past month can be appropriately labeled as "insane." I have become engaged, moved several times, accepted a job as Production Manager, started planning a wedding and am now running this festival. I was holding together and accomplishing much. I was generally enjoying it as well. What was there that was not to love? I was (and still am) to be married and I would be (and still am) receiving a significantly higher paycheck than I had expected. Then we came to this weekend.

The past 48 hours can be appropriately labeled as "horrible."

I never realized how many things can accumulate on one pair of shoulders. My crew is incredible this year and any of them will take on a task to keep it from becoming my problem. The shoulder space for me to lean upon is vast and sturdy, yet I find myself constantly thinking, planning and waiting for the next project or disaster. I never realized how tiring thinking could be. I am exhausted. I am constantly tense. I am afraid it will start to spill over onto those shoulders that I rely so much on. I am terrified of wetting those shoulders with the tears that come from my eyes. Who knew so many tears could be lurking behind two small eyes?

Psalm 30:5 - ".....weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." How long will my night be? I ask for peace and calmness often - how do I make my heart feel them?

This night is calm. The work load for me is light and most of the crew has gone to bed. Only a few remain awake, several of them here singing hymns as I type. I will probably be in bed soon unless my wonderful fiance keeps me up. (Not at all a bad thing since our time together has been cruelly limited these days.)

Still, I find my heart racing as I sit, my thoughts ready to swirl without me letting them, my mother just a phone call away, and the weekend looming ahead of me. The calm only lasts for so long.