Christmas for real

It was good!

:)

The sparkle wasn't like it used to be, but I truly enjoyed our first married Christmas. All of the presents were wrapped and waiting, parties were planned and attended, the apartment was cleaned.... it was all lovely. We even got a song message from the party people in Pennsylvania. I think that may have been one of the moments that made it really feel like Christmas. Made me cry a little bit too.

It's still strange not being at my parents house this year but I find that I don't really mind. We had a good time with Leilani and her family on Christmas Eve - even got some presents. Really wasn't expecting that one. And Christmas morning was lovely. A little too relaxed and rushed at the end but not enough to make it bad. We got up late, opened wonderful presents, cleaned up and got on the road. The Squires adopted us for the day so we had lunch with them and then spent the rest of the day loafing. It was very relaxing.

And now I'm at work. Only one lady has come in so far and I rather doubt anyone else is going to come. It's the day after Christmas!!! I don't really know why we're open in the first place - no one else is. Regular opening time too. Bah. I'm getting paid so I'll not complain too much. Have to eat somehow!

:)

So we hang around here for the rest of the week and then head back East. Out of this icy flatland and back to hilly scenery for two more Christmas days. Not a bad plan really. We'll end up with five Christmas's altogether and that is not at all bad. Nope! We get to have our own time together and make new traditions and still be taken care of by parents. Best of both worlds.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Christmas? Really?

It doesn't feel like Christmastime. The concert last night and the concert Friday night didn't work, changing the background here didn't work, and the complete lack of snow certainly isn't helping. Even my little decorated apartment isn't cluing me in. Perhaps the lack of a tree is influencing as well. Is Christmas really next week?

I'm not sure I believe it.

Remember Christmas as a kid? All of the sparkle and anticipation. Parties and decorations, staying up late, hot chocolate and cookies, listening as closely as you could when you fell asleep to hear those bells.

Growing up is a funny thing. I love working. I love having our own little place and making sure that everything is as it should be. As close as it can be anyway. :) I love having meetings and grocery shopping and cleaning and all of the things that make us grown ups.

But.....

I wonder if that has something to do with this feeling. I wonder if all of that hides the sparkle I usually see this time of year.

Mission: find the sparkle again. Really look for it. Show it to others. Make it come back.

This post seems a bit sentimental and overly nostalgic bordering on cliche but it certainly isn't intended that way. I really do want it all back.

I think I'll plan on listening for those bells again. No matter where we find ourselves on Christmas Eve.

a non-post

I don't find myself in a particularly "blog-y" mood but changing my background while still having a post about fall just didn't work for me either. Here's a few updates just for kicks:

-We've had several snowfalls already though once December came, the snow left and the temperature climbed. Very strange.
-I love my work! I love working with all of the groups that come in. Trying to get handprints from the babies is another favorite. They're so adorable.
-Our little place is all decorated for Christmas. I had just enough to make the whole place pretty and I love it. Perhaps I'll remember my camera one of these times and I'll post some new photos in here. My favorite feature is our wreath in place of a tree. I very much wish we could have a tree but we just don't have room. Next year!
-I don't know if we'll be going home for Christmas this year. Nate wasn't able to ask off work since everyone else already had. We might get lucky again and be able to leave last minute but there's no telling. That's sure to go over well with my parents.

All in all, life is so good. I love my husband. I love using the word "husband." We have a lot of our friends here though we miss the ones that are elsewhere. Stephanie is here! Just for the day but it's better than nothing.

Hooray for friends.

Wisps of Memories

I think autumn came today. The sky is full of cold clouds racing overhead. The wind has arrived with gusto and insists on blowing any girls hair into whipped frenzy. Colors have started to appear on trees and a few leaves have made their way into piles on the ground.

Walking along with my hair twirling about my face, I caught a scent of something ever so briefly. It was like a memory sitting on the edge and trying to dive into the now. The moment ended quickly and left me wondering what it was that had crossed by me and my little nose. I suppose I won't ever really know but I am now flooded with memories. Fall memories. My favorites.

Raking piles of leaves in the backyard to jump in but stopping that activity as soon as I realized those leaves weren't soft pillows
Pulling out the box of sweaters for the first time that season
Wrapping up in a puffy vest, scarf and my sweet hat for a stroll about the village
Football games with the band playing and eating pizza from the best shop in town
Coming home to find fall themed cookies decorating our dining table
Bonfires
Apple cider with caramel
Hot chocolate with marshmallows
A trip to Chicago with wonderful friends
Walking to work every day
Apple pie
Surprising Nate and touring Greenville

I love fall. It's almost absolutely my favorite season. Now I really need to get my hands on some apple cider.
Yum.

Settingling in

We moved!!!!!!

Just last Thursday, Nate and I moved into our first apartment. It's little, cute and slightly cramped but I love it. I love being in my own home. I love that our landlady let us paint. I love that I can put up our artwork. I can host parties and have people over. I can make dinner for just the two of us. I can even clean my own home!! Who knew you could be excited about that?

The best part of this whole thing - we aren't in South Carolina.

Nope.

We moved to Winona Lake.

Yep.

Winona Lake. It felt like coming home when we were driving up. Even though those cornfields are still as flat as can be, it still felt right coming here. My friends are here. Good memories are here. Winter will be awful I'm sure, but this is still the best place to be.

The crazy part is that this switch happened in less than a week. It took one day of talking the subject over to change the listings we were looking in, another two days to find the perfect situation for us and another two days for our application to be accepted. Our new direction seemed to be fairly obvious as we had just spent a month looking in the Carolinas and hadn't managed to find a thing.

So here we are. Moving in. Working to make everything fit. Enjoying being with the wonderful people here. Living.

It's good.

We're home.

Nesting

That's what they call it when a new mom is waiting to give birth. She gets the nursery ready, reads all of the books, takes the classes and talks to everyone she can to get ready for her new arrival.

What do you call it when you desperately want a home? How do you get ready? How do you prepare when you find yourself in limbo?

We have no home and few options. A good one just came through today and I hope the follow-up works out. The last few weeks have been discouraging. Lots of looking and calling and making lists but nothing seems to pan out.

The end of this particular tunnel may be coming into view but it's still fuzzy and far-off. I have a pile of belongings sitting in Western Pennsylvania just waiting. Just sitting. Gathering dust. All of those presents are states away from where they should be.

I just want to set up my home. That's all.

The Real Update

I feel like I've been gone from here forever. Some silly part of me actually thought I would be able to update during MasterWorks much more frequently.

Right

Another silly part of me thought I would be able to jot a few notes out here before the wedding. You know, just some small thoughts on my last days as a single woman and all that it would mean.

Right

I even thought I might do some updating on the honeymoon.

Right

So here I am. It's been weeks since I last posted. So much has happened. My life has completely changed!! I am a married woman. I have a husband (I like him a lot!). I have packed up all of my earthly belongings into bags and boxes and left the majority of that in a pile at the Cooke Homestead. I sit at a friends computer in Wisconsin and realize that I am currently wandering with no home to go to.

It's an amazing feeling actually. We have no ties to anywhere. Money will become a problem at some point but we could travel for quite some time and be ok. I think I like it this way. Especially since we have two more stops to make along the way. Friends are getting married this Saturday and then we'll head to Washington DC to visit family. I'm really looking forward to that part of the trip. It's been quite awhile since I've been there and I love that city. There's so much to do!

And now to fill in a few details of the past months.................

MasterWorks was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had and certainly the hardest to date. Most days were very difficult and I went through several crying jags. Mostly, I felt sorry for Nate. He had never seen me like that and was the one to take the brunt of nearly all of my emotions. Boy were they all over the place. It was not unusal to go from euphorically happy to clinically depressed in the space of a minute. By all accounts though, the Festival was a success. People were constantly commenting on how well things were going. I always knew how badly something had actually gone but it was nice to hear otherwise. We presented a good face - I could never ask for a better crew. They are the reason I made it to my wedding.

The reason I made it through the wedding itself was - the amazing Sarah!!! Nate's sister saved our lives. I was doing well with the details and things were pulling together. The puzzle was basically falling together and I liked what I saw. Honestly, I could barely believe how calm I was about things. Stressed, yes. But somehow ................ calm. I have no idea how that was working. It's a good thing we had Sarah though. She sent us the longest to-do list I have ever laid eyes on with details we just hadn't thought of. Nate and I worked on it a bit and sent it back. She proceeded to show up at the Homestead with an even longer edition of that list! I didn't think it possible. That list made the weekend happen. The "important" people had folders and written out duties, the kids ran around like crazy helping us, and everyone that set foot in the house was more than willing to voluteer another pair of hands. I saw Uncle Mike pulling roses apart for after the reception.

I think that was the most amazing part of the whole experience. Those people were there for us. They wanted to be there. They wanted to celebrate with us.

They loved us. They still do.

No matter how many times we stepped on their hearts over the years, they still came. Family and friends both. Even looking back on it all, I can still barely grasp it. They came to the rehearsal, the dinner, the whole ceremony and reception. They truly wanted to be there.

I looked over the crowd at the rehearsal dinner at one point and noticed the groups of people that were mingled together. Granted, they were sitting in little clumps with those that they knew but we had so many different parts of our lives in one room - MasterWorks, two families, school, old friends and a pastor. It's almost a joke. I doubt those lives will ever collide quite like that ever again. I never would have suspected that we had impacted that many lives.

The ceremony and reception were ever stranger with the amount of different people there. I noticed the MasterWorks people and Geneva people had chosen tables directly next to each other. Very strange!

That day was so wonderful. The house of girls started getting ready at 7:30. With the amount of people we had there, we had to start showers that early. For all that we had to do, it was fairly leisurely. We popped in a movie (Saved - hehe), had some brunch, did hair and makeup and got dressed. The dressing part was almost a problem as we started running out of time then. But we all finished up and piled into cars only 20 minutes after we wanted to originally. We took some pictures at Harbison Chapel at Grove City College. It was absolutely beautiful - I can't wait to see what Caryn captured.

Then off to the church to wait. I had a lot of fun sneaking in even though it turned out that I didn't need to. It seemed like a long wait especially since I wasn't upstairs helping. That may have been the strangest part. I wasn't managing a thing, someone else was. The biggest day of my life so far and I wasn't in charge. I'd say that's a good thing!

Very suddenly, it was time to go. And it was really time to go. We got to the top of the stairs and Stephanie had to start walking. There was no time for quick fixes. My brothers pulled the runner down, closed the door and I got into place. It was perfectly timed - I used a song from "Pride and Prejudice" and the doors opened right on the swell. I actually did direct that. And then I was all but pulling my father down the aisle. I hope it looked ok. I didn't look anywhere else but Nathanael and I was smiling so big, I could barely see him. Silly squinty eyes.

The whole thing took 45 minutes but it went so fast. It seemed like only a few minutes before the music came on again and I was once again running down the aisle. I almost tripped that time. As I got to the back of the church, I realized I was shaking - not thinking well, not seeing very well and smiling enough to break my face.

A few pictures at the church, a few more at Harbison, the quickest four hour reception and a blur of faces later, we were leaving. We ran through a shower (a few downpours) of rose petals and then we were on the road. Our car was decorated with glass chalk, some pop cans and a length of plaid material. The sun was setting, it rained a bit and it was all perfect. We drove away as man and wife. That was all that mattered anyway. And it had happened.

So here I sit. A tiny computer in a friends appartment, miles away from my home state. An open window to let in beautifully cool breezes. An evening of fun exploring ahead of us. And a husband only a few inches away. A husband. Perfect.

News Flash

Just to let the world know.... I'm Married!!!!!!

And it's wonderful.

And I love it.

Things I've Learned...

...while planning a wedding....

*Set a limit for your parents on how many people they can invite - otherwise your friends don't get to come.
*Expect to have your plans thwarted, especially when it comes to the color scheme.
*Find the sheet music to any song you ever liked the minute you decide you like it.
*Have an excellent CD collection or start working on your songs the minute after you get engaged.
*Keep it simple stupid (KISS)
*You WILL fight with your mother - it will not be pleasant
*Ever have a thought about your wedding? Write it down!! Then you can actually go back and prove what you were thinking even if it's just you that needs convincing.
*Start concrete planning with your fiancee two minutes after you get engaged, especially if you live farther apart.


...and seriously....
*I now know that Nathanael and I can weather just about anything
*Kisses can solve just about anything

Quiet Reflections from a Troubled Soul

This particular evening was quite beautiful - a slowly setting sun cast noticeably golden rays that darkened to a burnt orange, the light blue sky was sprinkled with a select few clouds, and a light wind made me happy to be wearing a jacket. To make it all the better, my Nathanael was with me. My fiance, the man who loves me, the man I love, the man I will soon be able to call "husband." I've never yet been so happy to have him near me.

The past month can be appropriately labeled as "insane." I have become engaged, moved several times, accepted a job as Production Manager, started planning a wedding and am now running this festival. I was holding together and accomplishing much. I was generally enjoying it as well. What was there that was not to love? I was (and still am) to be married and I would be (and still am) receiving a significantly higher paycheck than I had expected. Then we came to this weekend.

The past 48 hours can be appropriately labeled as "horrible."

I never realized how many things can accumulate on one pair of shoulders. My crew is incredible this year and any of them will take on a task to keep it from becoming my problem. The shoulder space for me to lean upon is vast and sturdy, yet I find myself constantly thinking, planning and waiting for the next project or disaster. I never realized how tiring thinking could be. I am exhausted. I am constantly tense. I am afraid it will start to spill over onto those shoulders that I rely so much on. I am terrified of wetting those shoulders with the tears that come from my eyes. Who knew so many tears could be lurking behind two small eyes?

Psalm 30:5 - ".....weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." How long will my night be? I ask for peace and calmness often - how do I make my heart feel them?

This night is calm. The work load for me is light and most of the crew has gone to bed. Only a few remain awake, several of them here singing hymns as I type. I will probably be in bed soon unless my wonderful fiance keeps me up. (Not at all a bad thing since our time together has been cruelly limited these days.)

Still, I find my heart racing as I sit, my thoughts ready to swirl without me letting them, my mother just a phone call away, and the weekend looming ahead of me. The calm only lasts for so long.

The Morning Unlike Any Other

It didn't start out that way - it was quite ordinary really. The guys were up in the attic bashing about and continuing in the deconstruction of our house. I argued with the alarm a few times and then decided to get up and head to the gym one last time. Nothing new. There were a couple of new faces in the gym but I figured that was about as exciting as it was going to get. I walked out of that door an hour later and headed home.

That's when things got interesting.

I was just walking along, listening to one of my fun songs, minding my own business, and carrying a shoe in each hand. I hate carrying them both in one hand. It just isn't comfortable. Anyway, I get most of the way back when I suddenly hear running behind me. My first thought is that it's some ambitious runner uncomfortable with the lab-rat feel of a work-out room. Can't really say that I blame them. But then there is a flurry of activity about me and my thoughts start racing.....

Move out of the way before you get hit
They slowed down - weird
Someone's touching me
I'm being mugged!!!!!
What do I do????
Arms are around me!!
Augh!!
Wait......
Steph??
Why is she attacking me?
Weirdo
Wait.............
I know that shirt
I know that foot!!!!!!!
"No way........ No way, no way, no way!!!!"

My Nathanael was holding me. A whole day early. So much earlier than I had ever suspected. He was there. With me. Holding me.

Wisdom from a chocolate wrapper

I just got back to the office after a week long vacation and I found a lovely present from my co-workers ...... they tinfoiled my entire desk and everything on it. I mean everything. Each little pen in the cup, my teddy bear, all of the papers, even the returned mail that I have to deal with. Everything! It took me a half hour to unwrap everything and straighten the place up.

They did leave me a nice present though. I had a little Dove chocolate sitting in my chair, just waiting to be unwrapped and eaten. Raspberry filled too!! And since it was a Dove chocolate, it was not only delicious, it had something to say ........

"Every connection has the potential to change your life."

Smart little wrapper that one.

But then I thought about it. Is that really true? Does my life really change with each person that I meet, each situation that I find myself in or put myself into? I'm not entirely convinced that's true. In fact, I'm much more convinced that it is in fact untrue.

My God is sovereign. He knows what he's doing and he's got me going somewhere. It's not a mystery to him, just to me. If each of my connections had that much power over me and my life, that seems to say that God does not. Now how does that work out? It doesn't really which leaves me with this thought .........

"Every connection has the potential to change the path that you think your life is taking."

They don't actually change your life, they just change your perception of your life. I never in my whole life thought that my future would be looking the way that it does. It never once crossed my mind. But how could it? I put my plans into place based on what I had at my fingertips at the time. How was I to know that Nathanael was out there? How was I to know that MasterWorks existed? How was I to know that our paths would cross there when I had never even heard of Winona Lake?

But it all happened. And the only people that it surprised were the two of us. God knew. He watched it happen. He made it happen. He put the connections there. And he'll keep putting them there.

I think Dove got it wrong.

"Are you sitting down?"

This is a phrase that demands attention. Right after someone asks you this, bad news inevitably follows. There is the rare occasion where good news could follow but that would be rare indeed.

Ignoring this phrase is deadly, especially if you are not in fact sitting down. Getting the bad news while standing is perhaps one of the dumbest things to do. Somehow, the news has a massive affect on your body when you do so. Your heart starts racing, the lightheaded feeling starts, the shaking starts and your stomach begins to churn. Suddenly, standing is no longer an option. Your legs won't hold you and you begin to think that maybe there will be more air if you're closer to the floor. Sort of like leaving a mountain top and heading to sea level. Of course, you're rather lucky that thoughts are coming to you at all - you've just been blindsided by the voice on the other end of the phone. Thoughts have ceased. You could stare at that spot on the wall all day. There aren't even thoughts on the subject at hand, a problem when there is still someone trying to talk to you. It's like everything froze or turned black and making conversation becomes the biggest task you have ever undertaken in your whole life.

Perhaps all of this is true when receiving the news in person but I have yet to have that experience.

I got a phone call from my mom yesterday afternoon, right as I was finishing work. We made small talk for a bit and then she told me - the phone call we've been subconsciously dreading for three years finally came.

Kevin is being deployed to Iraq this fall.

And that's all we know. I don't know the exact date, I don't know how long he'll be gone, I don't know what his duties will be. I know nothing.

I hate knowing nothing.

Once again, I know all of the right answers. I'm not that stupid. I know that this could turn out for good, this could be the thing that turns him around and God knows what he's doing. This didn't happen outside of his will.

None of that makes this any easier. I suppose it should. It doesn't. It's not stopping the fear of getting the other phone call. That last phone call. The one that will cave the world in on top of you. There's nothing stopping that from being in God's will. We just don't know.

I suppose that makes me look like some sort of depressed cynic without a hope in the world. I'm not. I've had a good day today and laughed a lot already. I'm ok. I just found out yesterday. It's still new. It's still terrifying. It can still make me feel sick.

I will never again ignore that phrase.

Tattered and Torn

...it's not really so bad as all that but it's still a good title.

Today makes for the official 2 week mark since I left South Carolina and Nate - it seems so much longer. I was kind of thinking about it and remembering things that have happened here when both of us were in the office at the same time and I made a slight discovery.

My heart feels scratched and bruised. It's been one of the greatest years of my life to date but it's been so hard in this area. I now have memories attached to all of the places that I frequent and while that's mostly a good thing, it has downsides as well. Walking around a corner, coming into the office, cooking dinner or making a dessert, going out to eat, being on this campus...... the memories are endless. And attached to each one of those memories are other memories of the leaving or the staying behind. The good and the bad come to mind nearly simultaneously some days.

Funny things, memories.

I don't really think I would trade out the experiences of the year but..... I've come to wish that I didn't feel like a stretched rubber band.

A week that didn't

After coming off of a week that positively flew by, it's disconcerting to have one that drags. As I type, the clock reads 3:05. I will be remaining in this office until it reads 5:00. Fortunately, if I'm paying attention, I can walk out of here the second those numbers appear. Unfortunately, there are still two hours in between that number and the one showing now.

ugh

The passage of time has always been odd to me and this is just another one of those times. I can't understand it. I have work that I could do and that I should do. I have projects at home to occupy my time. What makes this go so slowly? I most certainly wish I knew. I wonder if it's something subconscious, perhaps something that I want to be doing instead of sitting here but I'm not aware of it. That could be it. I've managed to stop thinking so heavily about the coming months and the changes they could be bringing but maybe there's still a part of me that yearns for the changes. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that was it.

So here I sit - feeling that there are more words to write, more things to do and wishing that I didn't have the munchies. The clock only reads 3:14.

Notes on the Ties that Bind

Our year here is coming to a close - how very strange. After having finished college and remembering the swiftness of those years, I was expecting this time to speed by as well.

Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't.

So many things happened here. So many good things and so many bad things, all of them relational. Leaving these people will be sad. Leaving some of the memories will be good.

How can people have such a strong effect on you? How can a call from home make or break your day? How can one person disrupt the lives of so many? I know the basic answer of course - we are relational people, designed for interaction and feeling. But that really doesn't tell me how.

Nearly every person in this office has had trouble with family this year. One plows through problem after problem - a father with cancer, a brother causing discord at home, siblings getting lost in the shuffle and finally, a divorce. Another friend constantly deals with an overly worried mother, one finds her parents suddenly having extreme financial problems, and yet another gets a call that her aunt is dying of cancer. Sickness and pain have strained every bond that we hold outside of this office. Me? I still have a nephew at home and a brother that doesn't know how to handle his life. Each and every one of us has called home only to hang up depressed.

The office hasn't exactly been a safe haven though. With one co-worker and a supervisor leaving suddenly, several months found us bating our breath and waiting for the next blow to come. I found myself relieved every time we left a meeting with the rest of the staff still intact. My nightly phone calls were spent trying to keep me together more than anything else. Most of the girls have been plagued by bad dreams and to-do lists that extend out the door.

Yet somehow, amidst the anger and fear, we've grown close. Somehow, it didn't drive us apart. Our families may be hanging on by threads some days but this place is still good. My own future is perhaps simultaneously more certain and more uncertain than it has ever been. I have no idea where I will be this fall - options yes, good ideas no.

I think these ties will remain. Through it all, we've had long talks, lots of chocolate, nights out and nights in, tasty drinks and dinners. No one was allowed to hide away and keep pain inside. Almost no one anyway. For all of the points that were taken off of the board this year, I think we will still come away with a positive number. I know I will. I've dealt with more this year than any other. I've lived away from home and away from a dorm. I've worked a job that I don't particularly like.

Best though? I have my Nathanael. That alone is more than enough for me.

I still haven't figured out how people can affect each other to the extent that they do, but I do know that I wouldn't have it any other way. Even if one person takes you down, a friend can bring you back up that same day. Just the way it should be.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Sheriff

This is a new one for me - I'm dating a felon. Not just that, I'm being courted by a felon! Who knew this would be the path that my life would take? I'm shocked, simply shocked.

It goes like this - he finds himself 10 miles away from the repair shop with a clarinet case in tow and it's raining. The weather is terrible. What to do, what to do? He can't exactly drive .... walking is the only option presenting itself. But it's raining! Solution? A garbage bag. Yep, my man finds himself walking down the highway covered in a trash bag and looking very much like a hobo. The police tend to be suspicious of hobos .... the sheriff who pulled up in front of him was typical in that area. Mr. Sheriff proceeded to pat Nate down, part him from his clarinet and place him in the back of a squad car.

What a day, what a day. At least the ending is happy. He's finally on his way home. Finally. Now if only that journey was reversed.

(Edit - I'm told I need to explain better so I shall, even at risk of ruining my story. The car had to be taken to the shop as it had "broken down" and Nate was on his way to get it. The cop was being nice and offered him a ride. The whole pat down bit was merely formality and following protocol. Nate isn't a felon.)

Melancholy

I find myself matching the weather outside rather perfectly. The day is dreary and drippy, moisture has been falling nearly constantly for the past 24 hours, the ground is soaked and soggy, and clouds cover any hint of sunlight.

Such is me.

How odd to be this way after the week that I have had. Each day spent in the company of not only the friends that I have come to know and love dearly, but also with Nathanael. Some of the time spent at work, some of the time spent at home. A few nights spent at the theatre, a few spent at a friends place. Movies, conversation, sleeping, silence ...... perfection wrapped into a week.

Yet my heart hurts. Part of it ripped yesterday and hasn't recovered. There is hope on the horizon but that horizon is still so far from here. My heart cannot yet see it. See heart, see what is to come. See the promise of summer, see the promise of a journey, see the times that are yet far off.

Not yet.
Not today.
Perhaps tomorrow.

Maxim vs "The Swimsuit Edition"

I am currently involved in my first production post-college. It's a small community theatre in Fort Wayne, originally started as an outreach from a church. It has since changed and the director says they aren't affiliated anymore. (I'm not so sure about that since he's still getting a paycheck, but that's a whole other issue.) We will be opening "Much Ado About Nothing" this weekend, one of my favorite shows. It's funny, has lots of good lines and makes for an excellent movie. It even has a good message attached to it. Several actually. Instead of really looking to those however, the director has decided to rely on "experts in the field" and take an extremely different view on the play - it's all about sex.

Yep. Any line in there could have a double meaning and since that's the way Shakespeare intended the play to be presented, it's up to us to find the double and play them up in any way that we can. I wasn't in rehearsal until nearly tech week so I missed a lot of what was building up. It was shocking to watch a run for the first time and see what had happened.

Here's a little more background information for you: per the directors choice, we have kept the original language completely intact, made the costumes Southwestern and have added a sleazy modern magazine to one scene, modern beer cans to others and a modern slingshot to another.

I hope your face is as confused as mine was.

What? What is going on? What time period are we in? I still have no idea. All of these choices were made all the more confusing yesterday with the costumers comment of "you can't wear that jewelery, it doesn't match our setting." What setting?!?! We don't have one.

So we have now coupled a complete lack of time period to the directors choice to play up the sex in any way that he can. Not a good mix. That's how the magazine got into the show. That's how all of the crude gestures and comments got into the show. That's why Christi and I had to say something.

This had become a show that was no longer family friendly. I didn't even want my co-workers to come and I certainly didn't want Nate to. It was kind of telling at that point - if I don't want my friends to come see my work, why am I still involved? With that thought in both of our minds, we sat down with the director and talked it out. We came in the next day to find that the Maxim magazine had been replaced with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and many of the gestures had been taken out. It all seemed like steps in the right direction and I felt myself relaxing. I had to laugh when the director made a point to tell us that even though the magazine had been changed, it hadn't changed for the reason we thought. Apparently, there just wasn't enough nudity in the first to satisfy the quest to "sex up" the show. I still thought we had made progress.....

.....then I was told that the Swimsuit Edition is the most obscene it's ever been. Bugger.

Now we come to the title of the post. Ta-da! I thought over my reaction to seeing the magazine change and the information I had learned and wondered "Why did I feel my guard go down?" If these magazines are essentially the same, why did I feel more comfortable with one onstage and not the other? Granted, I haven't actually looked at either and I don't plan to, but I have heard for years that the Swimsuit Edition is a bunch of ...... well, raunchy crap. So, is it the name on the cover? Was it the unknown fear of what could be in Maxim? Was it some abstract idea?

I really don't know. But it got me to thinking about the culture around me and the ideas that surround me. Somehow, I have become accepting of Sports Illustrated and do not immediately find it offensive. I had to sit back and remember the true nature in that edition. It's just as bad...... but it's still accepted. People will see that onstage and not blink too many eyelashes. Why? Perhaps because half of that magazine is seen on beaches around the world and the other half is seen on beaches that aren't frequented by families with small children. Goodness, sometimes, it makes its way off the beach and into town.

That doesn't make it right, good, proper, or something we should accept.

Such a place we've found ourselves in. It makes me sad when I really think about it. Sad to think that my friends and I now have to compete with those images. Sad to think that the men in my life and out of it have had to see that. Sad to think of how far things have gone. Even more sad to think that I can't completely shield anyone from it. The magazine is staying in the show. Some of the gestures are staying. There will be parts that I won't watch and I'll tell others to look away. A perfectly lovely show has been tainted. A man who wrote 400 years ago has been tarnished by people who think he was a dirty old man. I'm not learned enough to debate the point but I don't think that's right at all. Even if there was a grain of truth to it, there's no reason to go looking for trouble and insist that it all be shown onstage. People still enjoy a good show and it doesn't have to be "sexed up." Such is the odd concept that rules my life.

Yet another spot to read about others lives and keep in touch. Perhaps I will actually put something interesting here one of these days. For now, I leave you with the translation for my title - it means "radiance" in Gaelic.